For Feb 17, 2009

Feb 17, 2003. 

That was 6 years and 3 days ago. This year, I'm late again.

My name didn't matter. I was Room 12 Bed 4. 

I always make it a point to remember this day. Because that's when I learnt about life. That's when I experienced how it was like to live. And appreciate total physical freedom. 

My buddy back in college had introduced the weblog (better known as a blog now) to me back then but I hadn't the foresight to blog about my experience back then. Plus, I had to pay $1 per hour to go online in the hospital. 

Oftentimes, when I look back and wonder how far I've come, I end up with a huge heap if "what ifs". 

What if...

I never agreed to go under the knife?

I simply become history (you know.. expire and get a tag in the morgue)?

I never woke up?

all my friends knew I was gonna be cut up and might leave them?

my surgeon didn't become my surgeon (and somebody else did)?

there wasn't a SARs outbreak at that moment?

the nurses hated me and we never befriended each other?

(certain people--fill in the names) came along and visited me?

my parents couldn't afford the surgery?

the surgical scar turned out unsightly?

life was like an RPG game (e.g. Final Fantasy), where you can save at a particular checkpoint and come back to it when you die? So every segment in between the checkpoints will be a perfect one. 

... ...

Every year, on Feb 16, I'd drown myself with tons and tons of such question... till I drift to sleep and wake up the next day.

Sometimes, of course, tears do well up. I can't figure out if it's self pity or whether I love myself too much. 

Maybe I'm a perfectionist who can tolerate no imperfection. Maybe I'm born a thinker. Maybe I just isn't tired enough to hit the pillow and shut down. 

Anyhow. Whatever. 

The memory plays tricks on us sometimes. I forgot certain things that happened back then already. 

Some call this selective memory loss. Sometimes I prefer to call it getting on with life. 

I love details. Especially details like these. But they hold me back. So I guess I've subconsciously chosen to leave them behind, so I move on with a lighter, cheerier heart. 

Indeed. 

Mum asks if I've really been brave. Or was that simply a facade. 

I give the politically correct answer. Largely because the politically incorrect answer doesn't hold much truth. 

I've learnt to rationalise things from the medical and physiological point of view, I figured. 

Detach all negative feelings associated with falling ill, stay cheerful and get on with life. 

It helps me focus better on getting well. It's been working well so far. 

Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. I thought I'd throw in the towel. 

I wouldn't mind actually. Though my parents' hearts would shatter if I ever said this. 

Back then, I thought since every sucked right now, I might as well seek an exit and opt for a fresh start. 

On hindsight, that'd be silly. 

If I did give up, I definitely will never meet certain people. Our paths will never cross and we'll simply be individual, separate entities. 

Life creates wonders of its own. It leaves me with alot of "what ifs" but somehow, I still love it. 

Goodbye, for a while

Hmm... it's been a while. Just leaving some footprints here because I know I'll be gone for really long. And... you know, just to mark out the date.

Somehow, I just love remembering things like this. It always seems like a new beginning...

You know, you go in conscious and you gradually become oblivious to your surroundings... then you slip into unconsciousness and when you finally open your eyes, something has changed.

I don't know how to put it but it kinda feels... surreal? Maybe a little miraculous too.
I remember someone once told me, everything has risks. And this is comparable with jay-walking. You either reach the other end safe and sound or you get run over. Perhaps you just trip and fall and get really bad abrasions.

Whatever. A risk's a risk.
What will be will be.

It's gonna be another bak kwa-less Lunar New Year for me. Been trying to get my hands on foods which I can have after tomorrow but didn't manage to get them all.

I'm still missing (other than bak kwa)...:

• salmon sashimi
• cereal prawns
• oyster omelete
• fried chicken
• chocolates
• ice cream
• junk food
• nasi bryani
• seasoned scallop wings
• scallops
• soft shell crabs
• love letters...

Bascially, everything will turn into a delicacy for me after tomorrow. Darn. I hate this feeling.

To anyone who might even bother, no apples or soft toys please.
I'll be back soon, hopefully. It's just the usual check-in, I hope. =)

Happy Two Dozen

Maybe it's the nature of my job. Maybe it's me. I tend to be less and less proactive lately. Be it staying in touch with friends or finding a topic to kick start a proper, constructive conversation with people around me.

Somehow, I just want to be silent. I hope to stay unnoticed. 

I still care for everyone around me. And it's not as if I want to withdraw from my social circle. 

It's just... the need to be alone. 

Sometimes I find great difficulty in communicating with friends and family. 

Sometimes I want to maximise work efficiency and minimise the amount of time spent. Sometimes I just don't feel good, for unknown reasons. 

Sometimes I just want to get in touch with my inner self.

Sometimes I'm just tired. 

Maybe that's why oftentimes I prefer to shut myself from the rest of the world. 

And I get mistaken for being anti-social or not keen enough to maintain relationships because I don't treasure them enough.  

Maybe I just don't know how to express myself well enough. Don't know how to tell those around me how much I love them. 

Or simply, I don't understand myself well enough to bring out the socially expected and right reactions. 

Whatever. I'm tired. Really.

Ironically, it's my special day and yet, yes. I say, I'm tired. 

I know it sounds totally wrong to say this today. 

But oh well... Whatever it is, I'm not giving up.

Oh yes, and thanks to those who remembered and sent their well wishes through smses, phone calls, wall-to-wall and of course, face to face. 

I'm wise!

Removed my wisdom tooth on Thursday. The entire extraction took nearly 2 hours. Here's how it looks like (image may cause discomfort to some):

Very bloodied obviously. Part of the crown had drilled off from the rest of the tooth before it could be removed. 

Here's how it looks after a wash. Thought I should take a picture and remember this part of me. =)

Excruciating pain after the anesthesia wore off. I was given paracetamol but only kept the pain away temporary. 

Amoxilcillin didn't totally keep infection away too, I guess. Had slight fever and terrible headache last night. =( Couldn't really sleep well. 

Anyhow, it's always the case. Everything little you do seems to aggravate the wound. 

A simple sneeze. Smile. Yawn. Resting my cheeks on my palm. Looking up. Sleeping on my left. 

And everything seems to taste divine when you can't eat. Even Milo tastes great when I stole a few mouthfuls last night. 

Just a list of cravings I wanna (or do I need to?) fulfil once I can go munching away again:

• Prata with lots of curry (and sugar)
  
• Nasi Bryani
  
• Sashimi
  
• Chocolates
  
• Ice cream
  
• Fast foods (though they're bad)
  
• Chawanmushi
  
• Pizza
  
• Cookies
  
• Rock Melon
  
• Fried Rice
  
• Pipping hot dumpling soup
  

Doesn't look like a demanding list, does it? 

I can't wait to for the swelling to subside. For the wound to totally heal. To go to the dentist to remove the stitches. 

Once everything's fine and dandy, I'm gonna:

• Brush and rinse every single tooth till it sparkles. 
  
• Go get the new face mask that's in store and do a proper face mask. (hope it isn't sold out when I get there)
  
• Open my mouth really wide. Just to make up for the deprivation. 

I haven't got much things I need to do it seems. Shows I ain't too deprived yet. Great. 

Greatest achievement since Thursday: watched "Spongebob Squarepants extra" & "Spongebob's Altlantis Squarepantis". Whee!

Strength

Five years on, with an average of an op a year. Great achievement. 

Can't imagine this is something I've been unknowingly trying to "achieve".  

Nobody would want this I'm sure.

I really don't know what to say. 

Momo asked if I'm immune to it already. 

Maybe yes, maybe no. Or maybe I don't even know. 

It bugs me. Yet it doesn't. 

Perhaps just a silent why. Why me.

I've been through it so many times, I'm way too familiar with the procedures. 

Which spells anything but a good sign. And it's nothing to be proud of. 

Now, it's more about what to do to kill boredom for the rest of the week and the next one week that's gonna come by in less than 2 months. 

I know I need rest. But not this way, please.  

I'm everything but negative. I'm just feeling really sick and tired of this. 

Maybe they should just mince me, pack me in a vacuum bag and tuck me away at one corner. AND FORGET ABOUT ME. 

I'll stay fresh this way with no issues. 

I think God has a way to test my tolerance and endurance. 

And he loves it. He tests them about once a year. It's like new year or X'mas visits. 

Just that he doesn't bring me ang pow or presents. He takes things away from me. 

But no worries for I'm strong. I have no fear. 

So be it. Come what may.